Nam-Nam Chattering-A Story with References to Dracula, Nosferatu, Bethory, Usually in Anagrams

1. In the Chamber of The Duchesse.The Duchesseshould that interest varlots like us? She will have
Frantouse mooned over her fate. Rapunzel hadneither shekels nor cluckats. --Ah, Friendel, you
her Rumpelstiltskin, Juliet had Romeo, Don Quixoteforget that she has the ear of the Duchesse! --I
had his Rocinante, but whom had the Duchesse?remember that it is not a very big ear, Keerah,
Duke Snoutfare was whom, and he was wont toand almost all gristle. --That is indubitable. Perhaps
starve her or lock her in her chamber. She waswe should kidnap the whole chicken, dear Friendel.
so young and so beautiful. It was too, too bitter.--Chicken?5. Along a Wooded Path.--Well looky
Snortafeu, her nose-ferret, too betrayed her withhere, I do believe I have the pleasure of crossing
the typical little black eyes and buttery nose of apaths with the ever lovely Nam Nam Chattering,
female nose-ferret. The Duchesse could rely onhandmaiden to the Duchesse Frantouse. How
only one person; her dear young nursemaid andfares the great, if small, Lady kept in her keep?
confidante Nam Nam Chattering. Sad to say, Nam--Uh oh varlots mind your caution you two
Nam had problems of her own. Nam Namremember that I have a quite large brother from
Chattering always spoke in a voice barely audible,Fleghm who can knock you all to pieces. --Ah,
her tiny cup-shaped hand held frozen in front ofyes, the very large brother. Surely you are
her mouth, eyes darting about. --Milady Ithinking of Chelm. I heard through eavesdropping
desperately need 600 cluckats because it's everon the witches that he is full of nubbins. --Not
so important that I get them right now so as totoday not today I'm late I'm late out of my way.
pay my debt to Lacruda the Lowly Liegelord ofWith little further conversation the vandals
Chelm or all is lost. --Chelm? You mean Fleghm ofswamped Nam Nam with a gunny sack and
course. Never fear Nam Nam, I shall will it to you.trundled her off to their kidnapping cottage in the
Now let me tell you my problems. --But Madame IFrench foreign region where she would be free to
need it now I cannot wait until you die it is ascream, though that would have surprised even
matter of utmost oh-my-goodness. --Ohher.6. In the Chamber of The Duchesse
Chatters, I don't have to die to will something toAgain.--Mung, Shung and Shinny! Where is that
you. The cluckats are yours. Get them fromnattering Nam Nam. Out jabbering somewhere, no
Shinglevan. Now, I'm having this fret about...doubt. Hark! What knight on yonder donkey
--Pardon Mum if I schreck you say thatlooms. Ho, he knocks upon my portcullis. He
Shinglevan will stake me? --Here, you shall giveenters, he sees steps, he goes up, he approaches
this bit of garlic toast to him, he will obey. --I will ifmine own cold cold hearth. Tap. --Milady, forsooth
you say to but I don't think he shall do it. --methinks I come a-bearing ill woe betides. --News?
Shush, if you're not going to listen to my woes,--Nam Nam Chattering is carried away. --Yes, she
get tea. --Hmm tea dumb tea if you ask me.can be enthusiastic, can't she? --What I mean is
--Off with your headstrong ways. Get! Warmunufthat abductors have snatched her. --Oh my, can't
Potheen the Tea Officer silently slithered in andhave that. What shall I do, what shall I do? --I
served. The Duchesse sipped in sad solemnity.fear they have vulgar intentions Milady. They
Countess Buttery-nose Snortafeu the ferrethave illustrated their demands by sending along a
snuffled around under the dust ruffles and settledbook of kills they might employ if they don't get
in on a warm slipper and halfway closed hertheir way. --Frogs in the crabgrass! What do they
beady eyes.2. At the Treasury.Nam Namwant? --You. --Me? --Actually, they want the
Chattering adjusted her lace cap, whimpered updukedom. They think that to rescue Nam Nam,
to face Shinglevan with the bit of garlic toast inyou will give yourself up to them, then they will
her cupped hand, left shoulder hunched, and brokebe able to hold up Duke Snoutfare who will give
the news about the money to him. --Ohthem the fief. --Ha! --Precisely. The no bull duke
Cushinglee Saints Peter and Christopher,would not part with a comb much less the
Chattering, how did you manage to build up suchclippings from his fingernails or a castle and
an obligation? And, by the way, if you can spare agrounds. They have overstepped. --You go tell
few moments, I have a number of complaints Ithem to let Nam Nam loose and I will try to
would like to tell you about. Perhaps you canpersuade the duke to overlook their stepoverage.
speak with the Duchesse. --No time now Sir I--I fanfare forth.7. In the Duke's Offices.Duke
couldn't help it Sir it's me brother's nubbins youSnoutfare put one foot upon the leathern
see. --Oh Pitiful Martyrs, what's nubbins to do withottoman, then the other foot up and first foot
it? --Well you see Sir them nubbins keeps comin'down. He did this over and over as was his way
back and he has to go to the witches to get 'emwhen pondering serious affairs. --So, Frantouse,
taken off and them nubbins they won't hardlymy unnecessary but nearby love, it appears that
leave and I has to pay them witches for everyyou have lost what sense you once had. I do not
time we go and we couldn't pay the last six timesfathom the depth of your argument. I say knots
and so I had to borrow from Lacruda the Lowlyto them. Nam Nam is not even numnum, what do
Liegelord of Fleghm that's what it is you see Sir.I care? --It is true that you have never been a
--Oh Rusty Forks and Spoons, whatever it is Ikind person, nor a generous one, nor a nice one.
suppose that it is none of my business. You mustBest I stop there. I appeal then to your greed,
be thinking of Chelm my dear. Since you haveavarice, venality and torpor. These bold varlots
brought the Sacred Garlic Toast, I am compelledcould, after all, be squashed into service as tax
to concede to you the shekels. Just a fewcollectors and we could snatch back Nam Nam.
minutes of your time, I have only twelve worriesWhat say? --The customary term is 'pressed into
to impart. --I'll be needing it in cluckats if it's all theservice,' but I rather like 'squashed' now that you
same to you Sir. Shinglevan curled a lip andput it that way. Send for the pressers.8. At the
handed over the cash. Nam Nam adjusted herKidnappery.--I do believe I have the pleasure of
lace cap and tiptoed off to pay up.3. At theespying a messenger, Friendel. No, it's a gang of
Brewery.Nam Nam Chattering picked a piece ofpressers. --Ill is boding again, Keerah, let us
mistletoe as she wended through the Witchforest.evacuate the premises. --Wait, they are sporting
Soon enough she found the keeper of thethe green raiment of friendliness. --Oh yeah,
cauldron and got permission to see Witch One.friendliness, green raiment, I depart hencewith.
--Oh Witch One I have the cluckats which I owe--Too late now, they're here. --We bring you
to Lacruda the Lowly Liegelord of Chelm but I amgreetings from Duke Snoutfare and an offer. You
afraid of him do you suppose you could passcan accept being pressed into service as tax
them on to him if it doesn't inconvenience yourcollectors, or we will squash you. Do you have a
witching if it please your witchness? --Ah, the littlepreference? What say you? --Pressed! Pressed!
nubbins girl! Thanks, I'll take these coins and return--You are so impressed.9. In the Chamber of The
them to Lacruda the Lowly where they belong.Duchesse Once More.--So Nam Nam, pretty neat
He lives in Fleghm, by the way. How's brotherrescue eh? Nam Nam Chattering adjusted her lace
Skinrah today? --Oh just fine Witch One thankcap, placed her tiny cup-shaped hand in front of
you I'll be off now. --I was hoping you would stayher mouth, and spoke in a barely audible voice.
for a bit of tea. Witch Two is stewing a brew--Well all I can say is that you could have at least
right now, and there are some matters that havehad them untie me before carrying me back
been upsetting me lately regarding the treatmentwholesale by them smelly pressers and I don't
of witches in this Dukery and I would like to havenever want to see that forest no more and if
you speak to your mistress about them. --Best Inubbins comes back I don't care I won't do it and
be gettin' back as the Duchesse you know is athat goes for your old nose-ferret too. Snortafeu
fusspot you knew that about her didn't you knownuzzled the slipper further underneath the
it? --Yes Nam Nam, away you go then. Witchdust-ruffles, munched on a fly, tilted her head
One waved goodbye first.4. Behind a Bush.--Well,slightly toward the Northwest and sighed into a
well, well, I do believe I have the pleasure oflight snore.The EndJack Wilson is a writer and
espying Nam Nam Chattering walking alone in thisartist practicing in Los Angeles and Phoenix.
forbidding forest. --Yep, that's who it is. Why