| 1. In the Chamber of The Duchesse.The | | | | interest varlots like us? She will have |
| Duchesse Frantouse mooned over her fate. | | | | neither shekels nor cluckats. --Ah, |
| Rapunzel had her Rumpelstiltskin, Juliet had | | | | Friendel, you forget that she has the ear of |
| Romeo, Don Quixote had his Rocinante, but | | | | the Duchesse! --I remember that it is not a |
| whom had the Duchesse? Duke Snoutfare was | | | | very big ear, Keerah, and almost all gristle. |
| whom, and he was wont to starve her or lock | | | | --That is indubitable. Perhaps we should |
| her in her chamber. She was so young and so | | | | kidnap the whole chicken, dear Friendel. |
| beautiful. It was too, too bitter. Snortafeu, | | | | --Chicken?5. Along a Wooded Path.--Well looky |
| her nose-ferret, too betrayed her with the | | | | here, I do believe I have the pleasure of |
| typical little black eyes and buttery nose of | | | | crossing paths with the ever lovely Nam Nam |
| a female nose-ferret. The Duchesse could | | | | Chattering, handmaiden to the Duchesse |
| rely on only one person; her dear young | | | | Frantouse. How fares the great, if small, |
| nursemaid and confidante Nam Nam Chattering. | | | | Lady kept in her keep? --Uh oh varlots mind |
| Sad to say, Nam Nam had problems of her own. | | | | your caution you two remember that I have a |
| Nam Nam Chattering always spoke in a voice | | | | quite large brother from Fleghm who can knock |
| barely audible, her tiny cup-shaped hand held | | | | you all to pieces. --Ah, yes, the very large |
| frozen in front of her mouth, eyes darting | | | | brother. Surely you are thinking of Chelm. I |
| about. --Milady I desperately need 600 | | | | heard through eavesdropping on the witches |
| cluckats because it's ever so important that | | | | that he is full of nubbins. --Not today not |
| I get them right now so as to pay my debt to | | | | today I'm late I'm late out of my way. With |
| Lacruda the Lowly Liegelord of Chelm or all | | | | little further conversation the vandals |
| is lost. --Chelm? You mean Fleghm of course. | | | | swamped Nam Nam with a gunny sack and |
| Never fear Nam Nam, I shall will it to you. | | | | trundled her off to their kidnapping cottage |
| Now let me tell you my problems. --But | | | | in the French foreign region where she would |
| Madame I need it now I cannot wait until you | | | | be free to scream, though that would have |
| die it is a matter of utmost oh-my-goodness. | | | | surprised even her.6. In the Chamber of The |
| --Oh Chatters, I don't have to die to will | | | | Duchesse Again.--Mung, Shung and Shinny! |
| something to you. The cluckats are yours. Get | | | | Where is that nattering Nam Nam. Out |
| them from Shinglevan. Now, I'm having this | | | | jabbering somewhere, no doubt. Hark! What |
| fret about... --Pardon Mum if I schreck you | | | | knight on yonder donkey looms. Ho, he knocks |
| say that Shinglevan will stake me? --Here, | | | | upon my portcullis. He enters, he sees steps, |
| you shall give this bit of garlic toast to | | | | he goes up, he approaches mine own cold cold |
| him, he will obey. --I will if you say to | | | | hearth. Tap. --Milady, forsooth methinks I |
| but I don't think he shall do it. -- Shush, | | | | come a-bearing ill woe betides. --News? |
| if you're not going to listen to my woes, get | | | | --Nam Nam Chattering is carried away. --Yes, |
| tea. --Hmm tea dumb tea if you ask me. | | | | she can be enthusiastic, can't she? --What I |
| --Off with your headstrong ways. Get! | | | | mean is that abductors have snatched her. |
| Warmunuf Potheen the Tea Officer silently | | | | --Oh my, can't have that. What shall I do, |
| slithered in and served. The Duchesse sipped | | | | what shall I do? --I fear they have vulgar |
| in sad solemnity. Countess Buttery-nose | | | | intentions Milady. They have illustrated |
| Snortafeu the ferret snuffled around under | | | | their demands by sending along a book of |
| the dust ruffles and settled in on a warm | | | | kills they might employ if they don't get |
| slipper and halfway closed her beady eyes.2. | | | | their way. --Frogs in the crabgrass! What do |
| At the Treasury.Nam Nam Chattering adjusted | | | | they want? --You. --Me? --Actually, they |
| her lace cap, whimpered up to face Shinglevan | | | | want the dukedom. They think that to rescue |
| with the bit of garlic toast in her cupped | | | | Nam Nam, you will give yourself up to them, |
| hand, left shoulder hunched, and broke the | | | | then they will be able to hold up Duke |
| news about the money to him. --Oh Cushinglee | | | | Snoutfare who will give them the fief. --Ha! |
| Saints Peter and Christopher, Chattering, how | | | | --Precisely. The no bull duke would not part |
| did you manage to build up such an | | | | with a comb much less the clippings from his |
| obligation? And, by the way, if you can spare | | | | fingernails or a castle and grounds. They |
| a few moments, I have a number of complaints | | | | have overstepped. --You go tell them to let |
| I would like to tell you about. Perhaps you | | | | Nam Nam loose and I will try to persuade the |
| can speak with the Duchesse. --No time now | | | | duke to overlook their stepoverage. --I |
| Sir I couldn't help it Sir it's me brother's | | | | fanfare forth.7. In the Duke's Offices.Duke |
| nubbins you see. --Oh Pitiful Martyrs, | | | | Snoutfare put one foot upon the leathern |
| what's nubbins to do with it? --Well you see | | | | ottoman, then the other foot up and first |
| Sir them nubbins keeps comin' back and he has | | | | foot down. He did this over and over as was |
| to go to the witches to get 'em taken off and | | | | his way when pondering serious affairs. |
| them nubbins they won't hardly leave and I | | | | --So, Frantouse, my unnecessary but nearby |
| has to pay them witches for every time we go | | | | love, it appears that you have lost what |
| and we couldn't pay the last six times and so | | | | sense you once had. I do not fathom the depth |
| I had to borrow from Lacruda the Lowly | | | | of your argument. I say knots to them. Nam |
| Liegelord of Fleghm that's what it is you see | | | | Nam is not even numnum, what do I care? --It |
| Sir. --Oh Rusty Forks and Spoons, whatever | | | | is true that you have never been a kind |
| it is I suppose that it is none of my | | | | person, nor a generous one, nor a nice one. |
| business. You must be thinking of Chelm my | | | | Best I stop there. I appeal then to your |
| dear. Since you have brought the Sacred | | | | greed, avarice, venality and torpor. These |
| Garlic Toast, I am compelled to concede to | | | | bold varlots could, after all, be squashed |
| you the shekels. Just a few minutes of your | | | | into service as tax collectors and we could |
| time, I have only twelve worries to impart. | | | | snatch back Nam Nam. What say? --The |
| --I'll be needing it in cluckats if it's all | | | | customary term is 'pressed into service,' but |
| the same to you Sir. Shinglevan curled a lip | | | | I rather like 'squashed' now that you put it |
| and handed over the cash. Nam Nam adjusted | | | | that way. Send for the pressers.8. At the |
| her lace cap and tiptoed off to pay up.3. At | | | | Kidnappery.--I do believe I have the pleasure |
| the Brewery.Nam Nam Chattering picked a piece | | | | of espying a messenger, Friendel. No, it's a |
| of mistletoe as she wended through the | | | | gang of pressers. --Ill is boding again, |
| Witchforest. Soon enough she found the keeper | | | | Keerah, let us evacuate the premises. |
| of the cauldron and got permission to see | | | | --Wait, they are sporting the green raiment |
| Witch One. --Oh Witch One I have the | | | | of friendliness. --Oh yeah, friendliness, |
| cluckats which I owe to Lacruda the Lowly | | | | green raiment, I depart hencewith. --Too |
| Liegelord of Chelm but I am afraid of him do | | | | late now, they're here. --We bring you |
| you suppose you could pass them on to him if | | | | greetings from Duke Snoutfare and an offer. |
| it doesn't inconvenience your witching if it | | | | You can accept being pressed into service as |
| please your witchness? --Ah, the little | | | | tax collectors, or we will squash you. Do you |
| nubbins girl! Thanks, I'll take these coins | | | | have a preference? What say you? --Pressed! |
| and return them to Lacruda the Lowly where | | | | Pressed! --You are so impressed.9. In the |
| they belong. He lives in Fleghm, by the way. | | | | Chamber of The Duchesse Once More.--So Nam |
| How's brother Skinrah today? --Oh just fine | | | | Nam, pretty neat rescue eh? Nam Nam |
| Witch One thank you I'll be off now. --I was | | | | Chattering adjusted her lace cap, placed her |
| hoping you would stay for a bit of tea. Witch | | | | tiny cup-shaped hand in front of her mouth, |
| Two is stewing a brew right now, and there | | | | and spoke in a barely audible voice. --Well |
| are some matters that have been upsetting me | | | | all I can say is that you could have at least |
| lately regarding the treatment of witches in | | | | had them untie me before carrying me back |
| this Dukery and I would like to have you | | | | wholesale by them smelly pressers and I don't |
| speak to your mistress about them. --Best I | | | | never want to see that forest no more and if |
| be gettin' back as the Duchesse you know is a | | | | nubbins comes back I don't care I won't do it |
| fusspot you knew that about her didn't you | | | | and that goes for your old nose-ferret too. |
| know it? --Yes Nam Nam, away you go then. | | | | Snortafeu nuzzled the slipper further |
| Witch One waved goodbye first.4. Behind a | | | | underneath the dust-ruffles, munched on a |
| Bush.--Well, well, well, I do believe I have | | | | fly, tilted her head slightly toward the |
| the pleasure of espying Nam Nam Chattering | | | | Northwest and sighed into a light snore.The |
| walking alone in this forbidding forest. | | | | EndJack Wilson is a writer and artist |
| --Yep, that's who it is. Why should that | | | | practicing in Los Angeles and Phoenix. |