| 1. In the Chamber of The Duchesse.The Duchesse | | | | should that interest varlots like us? She will have |
| Frantouse mooned over her fate. Rapunzel had | | | | neither shekels nor cluckats. --Ah, Friendel, you |
| her Rumpelstiltskin, Juliet had Romeo, Don Quixote | | | | forget that she has the ear of the Duchesse! --I |
| had his Rocinante, but whom had the Duchesse? | | | | remember that it is not a very big ear, Keerah, |
| Duke Snoutfare was whom, and he was wont to | | | | and almost all gristle. --That is indubitable. Perhaps |
| starve her or lock her in her chamber. She was | | | | we should kidnap the whole chicken, dear Friendel. |
| so young and so beautiful. It was too, too bitter. | | | | --Chicken?5. Along a Wooded Path.--Well looky |
| Snortafeu, her nose-ferret, too betrayed her with | | | | here, I do believe I have the pleasure of crossing |
| the typical little black eyes and buttery nose of a | | | | paths with the ever lovely Nam Nam Chattering, |
| female nose-ferret. The Duchesse could rely on | | | | handmaiden to the Duchesse Frantouse. How |
| only one person; her dear young nursemaid and | | | | fares the great, if small, Lady kept in her keep? |
| confidante Nam Nam Chattering. Sad to say, Nam | | | | --Uh oh varlots mind your caution you two |
| Nam had problems of her own. Nam Nam | | | | remember that I have a quite large brother from |
| Chattering always spoke in a voice barely audible, | | | | Fleghm who can knock you all to pieces. --Ah, |
| her tiny cup-shaped hand held frozen in front of | | | | yes, the very large brother. Surely you are |
| her mouth, eyes darting about. --Milady I | | | | thinking of Chelm. I heard through eavesdropping |
| desperately need 600 cluckats because it's ever | | | | on the witches that he is full of nubbins. --Not |
| so important that I get them right now so as to | | | | today not today I'm late I'm late out of my way. |
| pay my debt to Lacruda the Lowly Liegelord of | | | | With little further conversation the vandals |
| Chelm or all is lost. --Chelm? You mean Fleghm of | | | | swamped Nam Nam with a gunny sack and |
| course. Never fear Nam Nam, I shall will it to you. | | | | trundled her off to their kidnapping cottage in the |
| Now let me tell you my problems. --But Madame I | | | | French foreign region where she would be free to |
| need it now I cannot wait until you die it is a | | | | scream, though that would have surprised even |
| matter of utmost oh-my-goodness. --Oh | | | | her.6. In the Chamber of The Duchesse |
| Chatters, I don't have to die to will something to | | | | Again.--Mung, Shung and Shinny! Where is that |
| you. The cluckats are yours. Get them from | | | | nattering Nam Nam. Out jabbering somewhere, no |
| Shinglevan. Now, I'm having this fret about... | | | | doubt. Hark! What knight on yonder donkey |
| --Pardon Mum if I schreck you say that | | | | looms. Ho, he knocks upon my portcullis. He |
| Shinglevan will stake me? --Here, you shall give | | | | enters, he sees steps, he goes up, he approaches |
| this bit of garlic toast to him, he will obey. --I will if | | | | mine own cold cold hearth. Tap. --Milady, forsooth |
| you say to but I don't think he shall do it. -- | | | | methinks I come a-bearing ill woe betides. --News? |
| Shush, if you're not going to listen to my woes, | | | | --Nam Nam Chattering is carried away. --Yes, she |
| get tea. --Hmm tea dumb tea if you ask me. | | | | can be enthusiastic, can't she? --What I mean is |
| --Off with your headstrong ways. Get! Warmunuf | | | | that abductors have snatched her. --Oh my, can't |
| Potheen the Tea Officer silently slithered in and | | | | have that. What shall I do, what shall I do? --I |
| served. The Duchesse sipped in sad solemnity. | | | | fear they have vulgar intentions Milady. They |
| Countess Buttery-nose Snortafeu the ferret | | | | have illustrated their demands by sending along a |
| snuffled around under the dust ruffles and settled | | | | book of kills they might employ if they don't get |
| in on a warm slipper and halfway closed her | | | | their way. --Frogs in the crabgrass! What do they |
| beady eyes.2. At the Treasury.Nam Nam | | | | want? --You. --Me? --Actually, they want the |
| Chattering adjusted her lace cap, whimpered up | | | | dukedom. They think that to rescue Nam Nam, |
| to face Shinglevan with the bit of garlic toast in | | | | you will give yourself up to them, then they will |
| her cupped hand, left shoulder hunched, and broke | | | | be able to hold up Duke Snoutfare who will give |
| the news about the money to him. --Oh | | | | them the fief. --Ha! --Precisely. The no bull duke |
| Cushinglee Saints Peter and Christopher, | | | | would not part with a comb much less the |
| Chattering, how did you manage to build up such | | | | clippings from his fingernails or a castle and |
| an obligation? And, by the way, if you can spare a | | | | grounds. They have overstepped. --You go tell |
| few moments, I have a number of complaints I | | | | them to let Nam Nam loose and I will try to |
| would like to tell you about. Perhaps you can | | | | persuade the duke to overlook their stepoverage. |
| speak with the Duchesse. --No time now Sir I | | | | --I fanfare forth.7. In the Duke's Offices.Duke |
| couldn't help it Sir it's me brother's nubbins you | | | | Snoutfare put one foot upon the leathern |
| see. --Oh Pitiful Martyrs, what's nubbins to do with | | | | ottoman, then the other foot up and first foot |
| it? --Well you see Sir them nubbins keeps comin' | | | | down. He did this over and over as was his way |
| back and he has to go to the witches to get 'em | | | | when pondering serious affairs. --So, Frantouse, |
| taken off and them nubbins they won't hardly | | | | my unnecessary but nearby love, it appears that |
| leave and I has to pay them witches for every | | | | you have lost what sense you once had. I do not |
| time we go and we couldn't pay the last six times | | | | fathom the depth of your argument. I say knots |
| and so I had to borrow from Lacruda the Lowly | | | | to them. Nam Nam is not even numnum, what do |
| Liegelord of Fleghm that's what it is you see Sir. | | | | I care? --It is true that you have never been a |
| --Oh Rusty Forks and Spoons, whatever it is I | | | | kind person, nor a generous one, nor a nice one. |
| suppose that it is none of my business. You must | | | | Best I stop there. I appeal then to your greed, |
| be thinking of Chelm my dear. Since you have | | | | avarice, venality and torpor. These bold varlots |
| brought the Sacred Garlic Toast, I am compelled | | | | could, after all, be squashed into service as tax |
| to concede to you the shekels. Just a few | | | | collectors and we could snatch back Nam Nam. |
| minutes of your time, I have only twelve worries | | | | What say? --The customary term is 'pressed into |
| to impart. --I'll be needing it in cluckats if it's all the | | | | service,' but I rather like 'squashed' now that you |
| same to you Sir. Shinglevan curled a lip and | | | | put it that way. Send for the pressers.8. At the |
| handed over the cash. Nam Nam adjusted her | | | | Kidnappery.--I do believe I have the pleasure of |
| lace cap and tiptoed off to pay up.3. At the | | | | espying a messenger, Friendel. No, it's a gang of |
| Brewery.Nam Nam Chattering picked a piece of | | | | pressers. --Ill is boding again, Keerah, let us |
| mistletoe as she wended through the Witchforest. | | | | evacuate the premises. --Wait, they are sporting |
| Soon enough she found the keeper of the | | | | the green raiment of friendliness. --Oh yeah, |
| cauldron and got permission to see Witch One. | | | | friendliness, green raiment, I depart hencewith. |
| --Oh Witch One I have the cluckats which I owe | | | | --Too late now, they're here. --We bring you |
| to Lacruda the Lowly Liegelord of Chelm but I am | | | | greetings from Duke Snoutfare and an offer. You |
| afraid of him do you suppose you could pass | | | | can accept being pressed into service as tax |
| them on to him if it doesn't inconvenience your | | | | collectors, or we will squash you. Do you have a |
| witching if it please your witchness? --Ah, the little | | | | preference? What say you? --Pressed! Pressed! |
| nubbins girl! Thanks, I'll take these coins and return | | | | --You are so impressed.9. In the Chamber of The |
| them to Lacruda the Lowly where they belong. | | | | Duchesse Once More.--So Nam Nam, pretty neat |
| He lives in Fleghm, by the way. How's brother | | | | rescue eh? Nam Nam Chattering adjusted her lace |
| Skinrah today? --Oh just fine Witch One thank | | | | cap, placed her tiny cup-shaped hand in front of |
| you I'll be off now. --I was hoping you would stay | | | | her mouth, and spoke in a barely audible voice. |
| for a bit of tea. Witch Two is stewing a brew | | | | --Well all I can say is that you could have at least |
| right now, and there are some matters that have | | | | had them untie me before carrying me back |
| been upsetting me lately regarding the treatment | | | | wholesale by them smelly pressers and I don't |
| of witches in this Dukery and I would like to have | | | | never want to see that forest no more and if |
| you speak to your mistress about them. --Best I | | | | nubbins comes back I don't care I won't do it and |
| be gettin' back as the Duchesse you know is a | | | | that goes for your old nose-ferret too. Snortafeu |
| fusspot you knew that about her didn't you know | | | | nuzzled the slipper further underneath the |
| it? --Yes Nam Nam, away you go then. Witch | | | | dust-ruffles, munched on a fly, tilted her head |
| One waved goodbye first.4. Behind a Bush.--Well, | | | | slightly toward the Northwest and sighed into a |
| well, well, I do believe I have the pleasure of | | | | light snore.The EndJack Wilson is a writer and |
| espying Nam Nam Chattering walking alone in this | | | | artist practicing in Los Angeles and Phoenix. |
| forbidding forest. --Yep, that's who it is. Why | | | | |