| When we first decide to write, we feel good | | | | stories, and those with the most power may try |
| about itâ€"we have memories and stories | | | | to suppress it. |
| that form who we are. We want to explore | | | | A memoirist must begin by writing her story in a |
| ourselves, to capture times long gone and | | | | protected bubble so the story can evolve. Take |
| preserve them in story form. To leave a legacy | | | | care of your writing environment, and protect |
| about our lives. But other voices compete with | | | | you from forces that will derail your efforts. |
| our writingâ€"“what will people | | | | 1. |
| think; you should be ashamed; you will embarrass | | | | Figure out the power dynamics in your family. If |
| the family. Don’t air dirty laundry; you | | | | the critic voice stops you, write down what it |
| know only part of the truth, so be quiet. Your | | | | says. Try to find the original source of those |
| mother will roll over in her grave if she found out | | | | voices in your background. |
| you wrote that.†| | | | 2. |
| We all know these voices. They make us throw | | | | Begin with an imageâ€"a photograph is often |
| down the pen, sit back and turn on the TV. We | | | | a good prompt. Write in your own natural voice. |
| don’t want to lose our family. We | | | | 3. |
| don’t want to make them angry. | | | | If the voices say: “I don’t |
| Writing a memoir is an act of courage, even | | | | know how to write; my family will hate me; how |
| defiance against powerful family dynamics. We | | | | do I know I am writing the truth.†|
| need to find a way out. | | | | don’t stop. Write anyway. Your critic |
| As a family therapist, I have worked with many | | | | family protector will try to silence you. If you |
| families, and because of my background, | | | | were silenced when you were growing up, you will |
| I’m in a position to help my coaching | | | | need to work through it now. |
| clients understand the source of their resistance | | | | 4. |
| to writing their stories, and the source of the | | | | DO NOT hit the delete button when you feel |
| critic voice inside. | | | | critical after writing. DO protect your writing from |
| When we write memoir, we reclaim our own | | | | curious family or friend invaders. Treat your work |
| voice, we stake a claim to our version of the | | | | like a young plant that needs protection. |
| story. Every family has multiple story lines. There | | | | 5. |
| is the “official†version, | | | | Find supportive people to write with. Write in |
| controlled by the most powerful people in the | | | | cafés, in writing groups where you feel |
| family, usually the parents or those who have the | | | | support or at least no attack. |
| most to lose. The “lesser†| | | | 6. |
| points of viewâ€"most often held by the | | | | Remember: if you’ve been abused, |
| children or those lesser in powerâ€"are often | | | | neglected, forgotten, or silenced, you likely learned |
| not believed or accepted as true. | | | | not to value your own point of view. Writing your |
| Who decides what version of a story to believe? | | | | own story can change that. Keep “telling |
| Who is not listened to? Whose point of view is | | | | it like it is.†|
| unwanted? The answers to these questions will | | | | 7. |
| be decided by family dynamics and power. | | | | Write for five minutes. Another 15 minutes. |
| In most families there is a | | | | Stretch your ability to stick with a story. When |
| “scapegoat,†or a clown, or | | | | you feel like stopping, write for five minutes |
| the most sensitive. People in these roles may hold | | | | more. We are tempted to stop as we get close |
| a unique, and unpopular, view of the family | | | | to the core emotion of a story. |