| We're all taught that giving is a good thing. | | | | the coals I was sweating over. After a similar |
| We're all taught that whatever we give, we'll reap | | | | assumption happened at her next barbecue, I |
| the rewards ten-fold. Scientists are even | | | | stopped going to her barbecues. I found running |
| gathering evidence that suggests unconditional | | | | much easier than correcting the assumption that I |
| giving causes our brains to create and release | | | | automatically enjoyed cooking for other people's |
| endorphins-a natural chemical similar to morphine, | | | | guests. |
| which relieves pain, gives what marathon runners | | | | I was such a coward. Whenever someone would |
| call a "runner's high," and may even reverse aging. | | | | ask me for something, I would give out of guilt, |
| But, if giving is so great, if giving fills people up, | | | | give out of duty, give because I was nice, or give |
| then why do we sometimes feel as if we have | | | | because it was easier than saying "no." I hardly |
| given so much that we have nothing left? | | | | ever gave because I chose to give. But because I |
| I used to feel a bit like that. People would talk of | | | | defined giving as something that I had to do, |
| giving, and I would roll my eyes. My camel's back | | | | regardless of how I felt, I was going against the |
| was breaking as it was. I'd think to myself, "I'm | | | | very nature of unconditional giving. I was giving |
| self-sufficient, so why can't the rest of the world | | | | resentment, so no wonder I was empty. No |
| take care of themselves. I'm tired of being the | | | | wonder I had been rolling my eyes. I hadn't even |
| responsible one." Then one day, I realized that my | | | | noticed those times in my life when I truly gave |
| definition of giving was my problem. I had been | | | | without condition. I was too busy keeping tabs on |
| confusing giving with the act of letting people | | | | the debts everyone owed me. |
| take. I had been giving, even when I didn't have it | | | | When you take giving for granted, you |
| in me to give. | | | | sometimes unexpectedly get resentment. If giving |
| I had a friend, for example, who gave a barbecue. | | | | is hard for you, then listen to your gut. Maybe |
| She didn't know how to work her barbecue, and | | | | your problem is your definition of giving. |
| the person who normally ran her barbecue was | | | | For me, giving now means being open and |
| running late. I was hungry. I felt like cooking. I | | | | unattached to outcome, and having a willingness |
| offered to run her barbecue. Great. Dinner was | | | | to help out as the opportunity arrives. Giving |
| cooked, people were happy and we all had a | | | | means to actually notice when people need help |
| really good time. But a few weeks later, my | | | | and to lend a hand when I have one. Now, I try |
| friend gave another barbecue, and on that day, I | | | | to remember that I can only give what I have, |
| was exhausted before I got to her door. The | | | | that I can't give unless I am full, and that I can't |
| first words out of my friend's mouth were, | | | | carry someone else's bags at the expense of |
| "Thank God, you're here. I have the coals set out | | | | dropping my own. And rather than giving |
| for you." Before I registered what she meant, I | | | | resentment, sometimes the greatest gift that I |
| was being ushered onto her patio where I spent | | | | can give a friend is my willingness to say, "No, I |
| the next three hours scraping down the barbecue, | | | | don't have it in me to cook for twenty-four |
| lighting the fire, and turning chicken, hot dogs and | | | | people at this time." When I redefined the nature |
| hamburgers for two dozen people. The entire | | | | of giving for myself, I suddenly found it easy to |
| time, I seethed with a resentment hotter than | | | | give... |