| From a sermon given on October 26th 1997 | | | | and emerge as healthy and vital. |
| At a worship service in Newport, RI | | | | I was able to see my bone marrow as a |
| Two weeks from now marks the 3rd anniversary | | | | metaphor for my life. I spent a great deal of time |
| of a bone marrow transplant I received to save | | | | transferring my sense of my bone marrow - |
| my life from Acute Leukemia. My donor is still | | | | the very core of my body being diseased - and |
| anonymous to me. I want to dedicate what I am | | | | asked my self in the silent moments “What is |
| about to say to him. I don't know if years from | | | | core in my life that needs to die and become |
| now I will still be talking about this event in my life, | | | | reborn”? I discovered from listening in the |
| but for now it is still not very far from my daily | | | | stillness that I had been injecting a core belief into |
| consciousness and it is because of the events of | | | | every interaction, every relationship, every good |
| the last four years, that many aspects of me | | | | or bad circumstance that nothing would ever |
| have died (including my own bone marrow - the | | | | work out for me. That I was a victim of this and |
| very core of my body) and along with it old | | | | that no matter how hard I tried or worked (and I |
| wounds, pain, core beliefs and habitual thinking. It | | | | worked hard), or visualized, an abundant life would |
| would take me literally days to relay to you all | | | | forever allude me. I then realized I could make |
| that I learned from the experience of healing my | | | | the choice to design a new belief that would |
| life while undergoing treatment for Leukemia | | | | replace the old malfunctioning one. While my bone |
| which resulted in over 10,000 hours of needing to | | | | marrow was dying and being reborn, the roots of |
| be basically still and quiet either in isolation in a | | | | a life time of emotional pain could now be dug up |
| hospital room or recovering at home, much of | | | | to be replaced with the joyous affirmation: |
| the time alone. However, I'm going to share | | | | Everything always works out for me, even in |
| now, a few precious morsels of wisdom I gained | | | | death! This became my daily mantra. Infused with |
| along with a quote and a poem, the writers of | | | | this thought, the healing of body, mind and spirit |
| each being much more eloquent than I could ever | | | | began. |
| be. | | | | Although my body was dying, I was coming alive. |
| In his book, The Sacred Hub: Living in the Real | | | | My spirit was breaking free and ego was being |
| Self, Robert Rabbin relates great wisdom in a | | | | transformed into a heightened awareness of |
| very little story: | | | | reality and it's ultimate beauty. |
| "A Buddhist Monk was taken to hear the Boston | | | | As I recovered from the bone marrow |
| Symphony perform Beethoven's 5th Symphony. | | | | transplant, I continued to have the luxury of |
| When it was over, the monk cried out, "Not | | | | eternal time. I say eternal because I could not |
| enough Silence!" | | | | foresee myself being the doing addict ever again. |
| Rabbin goes on to instruct: | | | | Everyday was like forever. The anti-rejection |
| "We should become friends with silence. Silence | | | | drugs were intense. I was tired. I was extremely |
| helps us to see the seductive power of our own | | | | weak. Muscles had atrophied. I was in and out of |
| justifications, the way we become sure and proud | | | | the hospital with life threatening infections and |
| of our ideas and positions, our views and our | | | | pneumonia. |
| solutions. Silence is the communion we call love. | | | | Once the hospital stays were over, I began to |
| Silence is in the heart of all things." | | | | explore the freedom of making choices about |
| He goes on to say: | | | | how I was going to spend my time based on |
| "We are embraced by silence and silence cares | | | | impulse, my body's readiness and desire. I had all |
| for us deeply. In the embrace of silence we sense | | | | the time in the world. As my body regenerated I |
| the essence of living things radiating loudly. We fall | | | | felt new strength and new health. I was emerging |
| into this subtle awareness and are cleansed of | | | | from the silence. Slowly, I crept back out into the |
| bitterness and fear. In silence, everything just | | | | world. I had new vision. All of creation was |
| happens, without manipulation, without fear and | | | | wondrous. I could stare at a blooming flower for |
| grasping. But this happening occurs only in silence." | | | | minutes marveling at the miracle of color and |
| When I began the arduous journey of Leukemia | | | | texture and shape and elegance. When I moved |
| treatment which resulted in 7 months of hospital | | | | to Newport in the middle of all this, because of |
| stays and recovery over a period of 2 1/2 years, | | | | my family's generosity, I was able to live right on |
| my first recognition was that I was given the | | | | the harbor, with an immense lawn right outside |
| opportunity to finally slow down. 4 years ago, I | | | | my back door leading to the water. I stood |
| had an appointment book that was so full, I was | | | | barefoot in the lush grass feeling the body of the |
| actually anxious about taking the time to brush | | | | earth connected to my own body and again |
| my teeth in the morning for fear I wouldn't get | | | | would enter the silence which now was a trusted |
| everything done! I was a doing addict. | | | | friend and which I knew would always lead me to |
| In one full sweep of a day I had no more | | | | that luscious state of gratitude, compassion and |
| appointments except with doctors, nurses, | | | | love. |
| various procedures and tests, and to my horror, | | | | More months were spent appreciating the |
| all were scheduled in their time frame, not mine! | | | | insignificance of my tiny life and yet the |
| Very quickly I was to learn that if I didn't let go | | | | immensity of it in its connection to all life, all lives |
| of my compulsion to control my environment, I | | | | and that which I cannot see but can just feel. I |
| would surely go crazy or worse, get in the way | | | | began the practice of yoga and would cry almost |
| of Nature's healing powers and a possible cure. It | | | | everyday during practice or in class when I felt |
| was then that I realized that every moment could | | | | surges of energy – the life force filling my |
| be an appointment with The Great Mystery (what | | | | body with an intensity I had never experienced. |
| many call God) because I no longer had any | | | | During my drives to New York City for my |
| control over what my body was going to do. If I | | | | medical check-ups, I was fascinated by my ability |
| had any chance of surviving at all, I was now | | | | to go exactly 50-55 miles an hour for three hours |
| going to have to turn my life over to experts I | | | | without a radio or CD. Quiet – just watching |
| didn’t even know… and to The Great | | | | the trees and the terrain go by. It is no accident |
| Mystery. | | | | that peace and quiet go together! |
| Now I could focus on going inward. Time now | | | | It is two years later. My life is new. And now I |
| seemed like an eternity. The only thing left to do | | | | have more energy than I ever had. In two years |
| about time was to live it moment by moment. As | | | | I have not stopped creating. I am watching |
| my body and bone marrow began to destruct | | | | myself manifest. My purpose is clear – to |
| and I began to feel sicker and sicker as a | | | | assist others in discovering their authentic nature |
| consequence of the heavy doses of | | | | – to use crisis, disease, illness or transition as |
| chemotherapy, I had no choice but to slow down | | | | transformational guideposts. And to keep |
| more and more and more. With very few living | | | | discovering where my own path leads. I am |
| blood cells left in my body, my body became | | | | learning anew from a different perspective (one |
| very still and quiet. | | | | of health) how to enter that quiet place – that |
| In this new quietness, I was able to move deeper | | | | silence – the slow turtle like pace where all |
| into a very profound silence especially at night. In | | | | that is begins. Where my heart knows God. |
| this deep place was the most exquisite feeling of | | | | Robert Rabbin gives us another pearl: |
| gratitude. This feeling had eluded me for almost | | | | “We cannot hear silence, we become silence. |
| my entire life. Now that I was near death, and | | | | To become silence, we must enter silence. We |
| steeped in the mystery of whether I would come | | | | can enter through the narrow gap between two |
| out of this ordeal alive, I finally discovered the | | | | thoughts. We can also enter through that still point |
| bliss I always knew existed but hadn't a clue how | | | | where our breath is perfectly at rest between |
| to achieve. Gratitude is a beautiful and very | | | | inhalation and exhalation. And back again”. |
| fulfilling experience. It swells the heart with love. I | | | | I can do this when I slow myself down. But now I |
| was grateful for so many things. The view of | | | | have to be reminded. And I find reminders in the |
| NYC's Central Park just outside my window and | | | | most unlikely places! Just yesterday I was pouring |
| the vast green that went as far as the eye could | | | | water from my kitchen faucet. A water saving |
| see. The daily visits and phone calls from family, | | | | device had been installed years ago. Not much |
| friends and people I hadn't spoken to or heard | | | | water pressure. And as if the flow wasn’t |
| from in more than thirty years. My doctor's | | | | slow enough, we installed a water filter. It has its |
| grandfatherly warmth and sense of humor. All the | | | | own faucet. Much narrower than the original. It |
| people who donated platelets so that my body | | | | took forever to fill a glass. I found myself getting |
| wouldn't hemorrhage. The chemicals that entered | | | | impatient. The doing addict was trying to take |
| my body destroying almost every cell so as to | | | | over. I could feel my body constrict. It was really |
| clear the way for healthy new life to emerge. | | | | uncomfortable. Then I remembered! “Oh, now |
| Grateful for the opportunity to watch my | | | | this is teaching me to slow down”. And I felt |
| thoughts rise and fall, to feel my body move in | | | | my feet on the ground. I allowed gravity to take |
| and out of discomfort, the opportunity of choice | | | | over and sunk into it. “Ahhh, I surrender. This |
| and free will. Grateful for The Great | | | | feels better. There’s nothing else but the here |
| Mystery’s wondrous creations and my | | | | and now”. I got interested in the water flow |
| partnership in that. | | | | and the miracle it is. |
| I had been given a disease that would most | | | | “How does this relate to my life?” you |
| probably kill me and I was grateful? | | | | might be asking. “How can I apply this to my |
| Because I went inward and found bliss in silence. | | | | own experience?” |
| This to me is what worship truly is. An | | | | I am not suggesting you get a life threatening |
| acknowledgment of the glory of creation and | | | | disease in order to heal your life, to love life or to |
| choice. And in our own hearts we find it. I | | | | commune with God. But there are things you can |
| discovered that in my own heart, everything I | | | | do every day to remind yourself of your |
| ever prayed for was there. This worship, this | | | | essence, to enter into that solitary place where |
| proclamation of holiness (that which is whole) | | | | wounds of the past have no place - where past |
| heals lives in the most profound way. Because it | | | | and future are non existent. Just here and now |
| brings us in to the here and now with full | | | | reality. The precious present. There are so many |
| acceptance. There is no past. There is no future. | | | | ways – so many paths. And if you really |
| Only wholeness in the now. | | | | listen, you will know what is right for you. |
| It was during this experience that I was able to | | | | You’ll be able to see the guideposts. It’s |
| accept my mother's love completely for the first | | | | all there. You just need to pay attention. One |
| time. After a lifetime of pushing her away - often | | | | thing you can do right now. Take a day off. A |
| with callousness and lack of compassion - because | | | | real day off. Not because you’re sick; not |
| of anger at her controlling behavior and a fear | | | | because you need a mental health day; not |
| that my very being would be swallowed up by | | | | because you have too much to do and need the |
| her invasiveness, I finally chose to experience her | | | | day to catch up; not to take care of somebody |
| love and be embraced by it. And of course I | | | | else. But to experiment with what it is to be just |
| embraced her with mine. This was the end of our | | | | yourself and let the world go on without you |
| past. It's really over. Today I sit in her lap and call | | | | – to go slow enough to notice. To notice your |
| her mommy. I give her big hugs and kisses. I | | | | breath, your heartbeat, your thoughts, your |
| cherish her physical closeness and warmth and I | | | | discomfort, your pain, your fear, your resistance, |
| laugh when she is not behaving as the Goddess I | | | | your compulsion, your noisiness, your nature, your |
| know she is. And as we grow closer and | | | | love, your uniqueness, your life, how it came to |
| continue listening to and learning from each other, | | | | be – what you are creating – what’s |
| we are both maturing together with mutual | | | | sill in the way of your freedom. |
| respect and acknowledgement that we are | | | | Perhaps Rumi, the great Afghani 13th century |
| treasures in each other's lives. This is what I | | | | mystic and poet says it best: |
| would call a miracle. | | | | Inside this new love, die. |
| I learned that the body is a temple of wisdom | | | | Your way begins on the other side. |
| and a great teacher. Because there was nothing | | | | Become the sky. |
| left to do on days when I would be alone for | | | | Take an axe to the prison wall. |
| hours, I explored the ever-changing waves of | | | | Escape. |
| feeling and sensation that were sometimes | | | | Walk out like someone suddenly born into color. |
| extremely uncomfortable and learned how to | | | | Do it now. |
| replace judgement with acceptance. There was a | | | | You’re covered with a thick cloud. |
| newfound awareness of the difference between | | | | Slide out the side. Die. |
| need and want. I paid attention to the vibrations | | | | And be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign that |
| of the sensations and let my body speak through | | | | you’ve died. |
| rippling sound and movements which were | | | | Your old life was a frantic running from silence. |
| expressed through my voice and on days when I | | | | The speechless full moon |
| was strong enough through dance. This I knew | | | | Comes out now. |
| intuitively would assist the new cells to be born | | | | |